


Must be Dutch

by Special Agent FUNK (RavenRune)



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Carlos is impatient, Chris saves the day, Friendship, IKEA Furniture, Just dudes and drinks and ikea, Leon is a bit confused, Mild Language, No beta we die like Mendez, One-Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:21:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,462
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29595492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenRune/pseuds/Special%20Agent%20FUNK
Summary: One-shot based on a writing prompt I received on Tumblr:Leon, Carlos, and Chris putting together IKEA furniture. The instructions are not in English, arguing ensues.Or, in my words; Leon finally has a house, but assembling a desk isn't as easy at it seems.Set around 2001
Kudos: 8





	Must be Dutch

**Author's Note:**

> I took a little bit of creative liberty with the prompt, this is just how the story unfolded in my head upon reading the prompt.  
> Hope you enjoy.

It was rather nice, Leon thought, to finally have a proper apartment to live in after having spent two years moving from one place to the other, never really feeling at home. It was very nice to finally get away from that weird motel room he had been staying in, where the mold had started to resemble the shape of a human being and scared him every time he accidentally glanced at it.

It was also nice, Leon thought, that he didn’t have to do everything himself this time. That he actually had friends to help him turn this little apartment into a home, instead of him just putting some second hand furniture in and never thinking about it again. 

It had been nice going to Ikea with Carlos. Leon wouldn’t have known what to do if he had been all by himself, as he had never been the type to go shopping in overwhelmingly large stores, for they made him feel a little lost. It had also been nice that Carlos seemed to know exactly what Leon would need, because Leon himself had only really been thinking about picking out the most comfortable bed he could possibly imagine.

At the end of their shopping spree, Leon had bought more items than he would probably ever need, but he did leave the store feeling rather satisfied. The only thing he still had to do was to assemble some of the furniture and put the pieces in the correct spots, which wouldn’t be too hard, according to Carlos.

As the two men walked into Leon’s new apartment, Carlos sighed with relief. He placed the massive cardboard box he was holding on the floor and sat down next it. “Oh man,” he said, stretching his arms above his head, “I thought we’d never make it up all of those stairs seven times in a row, that was ridiculous.”

Leon sat down next to Carlos and started opening one of the larger boxes. “They said they’d fix the elevator, but I guess that’s not at the top of their list of priorities. Besides, nothing wrong with a little bit of exercise.”

“That wasn’t exercise, that was torture.”

Leon rolled his eyes and proceeded to take the contents out of the box he had just opened. It was a desk. Or well, it was supposed to become a desk after the whole process of assembling it, anyway. Now it was still just some random wooden planks and a whole lot of screws. 

“That’s a lot of screws,” Carlos pointed out the obvious, “do they give you more than you need, or somethin’?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never done this before,” Leon said, staring at the components of the desk in front of him. “Shouldn’t there be instructions?” 

“Nah, don’t need ‘em, we just need to put the screws in the holes and it should be fine, I think.” Carlos picked up a piece of wood and inspected it thoroughly. ”See, here’s a hole. If we just put a screw in here, it can probably be attached to…” He paused. “Wait, I’m confused.”

“Yeah, no offense, but I’m reading the instructions.” Leon stuck his hand in the box again and pulled out something that resembled a little paper book. “Ah, there we go…” He muttered under his breath, glancing at the instruction manual. “Wait...” He flipped through the pages for a couple of seconds before shooting Carlos an alarmed look. “There’s no English instructions!” 

“What? Is it in Spanish? ‘Cause that’d be fine. Or Portuguese, ‘cause I can still read and speak it, even though I haven’t spoken it in a while.”

“No, it’s in… eh… D E U T S C H?” Leon spelled the word instead of trying to pronounce it. “What country is that?”

Carlos grabbed the little manual from Leon’s hands and took a look at it himself. “Like, Dutch? Must be Dutch.”

“Dutch? Who even speaks Dutch?” 

“Dutch people, I guess. And Belgians? And I think they also speak it in Suriname and…” 

“Carlos!” Leon interrupted Carlos’ list of people who probably speak Dutch. “Do you speak Dutch?” 

Carlos laughed. “No, why would I?”

“Well, neither do I, so what now?” Leon took the instruction manual back from Carlos and stared at it intently, as if he would magically learn Dutch by doing so. 

It didn’t work. “Okay, maybe we should call someone.”

“Call someone?” Carlos raised an eyebrow. “It’s just a desk, it can’t be that hard.”

Leon had already gotten up on his feet and picked up his phone. He decided the best person to call for this sort of problem would probably be Chris, considering Chris had assembled all of the furniture in his own house and would probably be able to work with Dutch - or whatever that language was - instructions.

“Who are you calling?” Carlos asked as Leon was waiting for Chris to pick up the phone. 

“Chris.” 

“Ah nah, don’t get Redfield involved in this…” Carlos groaned and buried his face in his hands. “We don’t really get along that well.”

“Why not? Did you hit on his sister, or something?” 

Carlos shook his head. “No, I didn't.” He fell silent for a second. “Well, no more than I hit on other women, anyway.”

Leon laughed in disbelief and wondered where on earth the other man got his confidence, he thought he should probably ask Carlos about it later, when he wasn’t… 

Chris interrupted Leon’s train of thought by picking up the phone. “Yeah?” 

“Hey Chris, it’s Leon. I have a problem.”

Chris hummed lowly. “What is it?”

“Well, I got some stuff from Ikea, but we can’t assemble the desk because the instructions are in a foreign language. We think it’s Dutch, or something.”

“Who is we?” Chris asked. 

“Carlos and I. Carlos is here, he’s…” Leon glanced at Carlos who was fidgeting with some of the screws. “He’s not very helpful right now.” 

Carlos shot Leon a glare and showed him his right middle finger. “Fuck you, Shorty, I walked up- and downstairs seven times for you. Seven times.”

Leon snickered and turned around to focus his attention on the phone. Sometimes he was just too easily distracted. “Anyway, Chris, we’re not sure what to do.”

“You could just look at the pictures,” Chris said, “there should be pictures.”

“I’m worried I will use the wrong screws.”

Chris sighed. ”Fine, I get it, you want me to come over and do it for you, because you’re lazy. And I suppose I will, but you better have a beer waiting for me.” 

“I will. Thanks.” Leon hung up the phone and turned to look at Carlos, who had managed to find some of the pillows they had bought at Ikea and was placing them on the floor to sit on. Leon briefly wanted to slap himself in the face for not bringing any of the chairs home and having them delivered with some other large items later that day. “You’re getting dust on my new pillows.”

Carlos shrugged. “It’ll be fine. My ass feels like it’s made of wood, I have to sit on something soft.” He sat down on one of the pillows and leaned against the wall. “So, is Redfield coming to save the day?”

“I guess.”

Carlos flashed a brief smile. “Is he bringing his sister?” 

Leon frowned. “No. You’re the fucking worst.”

“Damn right I am.”

-

Fifteen minutes later, Chris showed up at Leon’s apartment carrying some of his own tools. He wasn’t sure if Leon had even thought about buying things such as screwdrivers, and he wasn’t in the mood to drive back home and pick them up in case Leon had forgotten.  
Chris wondered why Carlos was at Leon’s place. He didn’t know Carlos had come back to the States and assumed that he was still doing god-knows-what somewhere in South America. 

He secretly hoped the tall Brazilian would have left by the time he arrived, but his hopes were proven in vain when Carlos opened the door for him. 

“Redfield.” Carlos stepped aside to let Chris in. “What is that?”

“A toolbox. Didn’t know if Leon had any tools lying around,” Chris stated, walking into Leon’s apartment.

“Good thinking. I hadn’t thought of that, and Leon probably didn’t think of it, either.” Carlos could feel a little bit of tension in the air and hoped Chris and he could manage to keep things civil, even if it was just for Leon’s sake. 

He kind of regretted getting off on the wrong start with Chris, but you never get a second chance to make a first impression, so he’d just have to deal with it for now. 

“Leon,” Chris walked into Leon’s new living room and had a look around, “it’s a mess. You haven’t got anything assembled yet?”

Leon shrugged and smiled sheepishly. “I know, I’m sorry, bit overwhelmed here, to be honest, I didn't plan on actually turning it into a home. That was Carlos’ idea.”

Carlos popped up behind Chris and nodded. “It’s important, amigo, you gotta feel at home when you come back from your future missions, might make the shit you’ll inevitably end up seeing a bit easier on you, or something.” He laughed, but it didn’t sound entirely sincere. “I think so, anyway, never really had a home myself since I was around 15, and even back then, it’s not like it was always a safe place for us, so maybe I dunno what I’m talking about.” 

All three men fell silent for a while, causing Carlos to feel a bit uncomfortable. “Sorry, didn’t mean to ruin the mood, here.”

Chris’ mildly irritated expression softened a bit after Carlos’ uncharacteristic confession. “It’s fine,” he stated, “you’re probably right.” He then noticed the instructions Leon was holding and reached for them. “Let me have a look, then.”

Chris glanced over the instructions for a couple of seconds and immediately noticed they had been wrong when it came to at least one thing. “The instructions say ‘Deutsch´,” he pointed out, “that is German, not Dutch.”

“You speak German?” Leon asked with a hopeful tone in his voice.

“Speak, no, but I was stationed in Germany for a while when I was in the air force, so I should understand enough to figure out this desk, I think.”

Chris fell silent as he started to rearrange the bits and pieces that he would eventually turn into a desk, and just got to work. His toolbox proved to come in handy on several occasions and the other guys basically just did whatever he told them to do, not wanting to annoy Chris too much. 

Carlos, however, did start to lose his patience after a few minutes. “Ya know, wouldn't it be easier if we just use glue for some of this? Glue these days is pretty strong. I use it for, well, basically anything that ever breaks.”

Leon nodded. “Yeah, that, and duct tape. Worked well in the motel when I fixed the television.”

Chris took a breath in and exhaled very slowly, trying to ignore the impatient, lazy men standing behind him. “How about this,” he muttered, “I will actually assemble the entire thing for you, and in return, Leon, you are going to grab me a beer.” He turned to look Carlos in the face, “and you, Oliveira, go order some pizza. I don’t care what’s on it, but I deserve some food for putting up with the two of you.” 

Carlos stood up straight and saluted Chris. “No problem, cap’n, at your service, or whatever it is they say in the army.” He walked towards the phone. 

“Carlos?” Chris wasn’t quite done yet.

“Yeah?” 

“You’re paying.”

Carlos shook his head and laughed. He didn’t mind paying, he was just glad to be hanging out with some people that didn’t have any expectations of him. It made him feel more human, or whatever emo thing it was that he experienced now and again. 

As Chris did all the work, Leon and Carlos decided to hook up the tv. They figured they could play some video games and have another drink, after having consumed the copious amount of food Carlos had ordered. 

With a decent amount of speed, Chris had turned the will-eventually-be-a-desk into an actual desk, and he joined the other guys in front of the television. The food had just arrived, and they managed to enjoy it without Carlos and Chris actually getting into some idiotic fight as they had done a couple of years ago after the Raccoon City incident. 

Leon managed to beat both Carlos’ and Chris’ ass at some old Mortal Kombat game multiple times over, and as the night had fallen and most of the people in the apartment complex had gone off to bed, three drunk men were just lying on the floor, kind of unable to move. 

“Maybe you’re not that bad of a guy,” Carlos said, staring at the ceiling.

Leon turned to Carlos, nearly rolling on top of the other man, not too capable of controlling his limbs anymore. “Dude, I am… I am pretty great, actually.”

Carlos laughed out loud. “I was talking to Redfield, you already know I love you man, you’re a good friend.”

Chris yawned. “I’m quite alright, most of the time. Just don’t hit on my sister again, she deserves someone better?” He shook his head, nearly banging it against the floor. “Shit, I mean… I didn’t mean that. You’re not too bad, either, Olive Tree.”

“I won’t hit on her, unless she initiates something...” Carlos suppressed the urge to start a fight, being told you’re not ‘good enough’ was something that hurt him a bit more than he’d be willing to admit. ”And eh, thanks, I guess.”

“What about Jill?” Chris asked, seemingly out of nowhere, “is that why you came back from the south?”

“Nah, had something to take care of. Jill and I tried, but it didn’t work out. That sort of shit happens…” He snickered. “No hard feelings there, I’ll find someone... I am Carlos, ya know.”

Leon, who had seemed to have zoned out a bit, suddenly sat up. “Will you two shut up? I’m trying to sleep here,” he snapped.

“On the floor?” Chris asked. “Actually, never mind, I’m not leaving, I can’t drive in this state.”

He went to gather more of Leon’s pillows and started throwing them at the younger men. “Here. More comfort.”

The men managed to get comfortable enough to actually fall asleep on some pillows in Leon’s chaotic new living room, and soon the room was filled with the sounds of three peacefully snoring men.

Hopefully Leon had some painkillers lying around. They would definitely be needing them in the morning.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Comments are welcome and I appreciate it when people point out spelling errors or problems with my grammar, as my native language is Dutch.


End file.
